Another Sleepless Night & Blog Post Later.

Okay guys.. C'mon, lets be real for a minute. My last few posts have Not been the brightest of the bunch. In all honesty, I don't know how to explain unless I'm a little more specific than usual. You know me, I'm usually quite vague. Here goes nothing..

So, I have a Very very dear friend to me named, ______(if you know me well enough, you know who it is). We have been friends for quite some time, he knows me so well. He's always been the friend I talk to about when something happens in my family, I turn to him for advice, ask him if I should cut my hair or not, etc. He always knows what to do, where to take me, what to ask, how to tell if I'm okay or not, how to comfort me. He knows me more than any other friend I have. I can't even begin to express how much this guy means to me. I do have hope. I have hope for a lot of things. One thing I hope for is, maybe he'll read this and maybe he'll realize how Amazing he really is. He doesn't read this very much. It's not like I mind, but I hope that if he does he'll feel like he means the world to someone, like he's changed someones life like no one else could, like there's someone out there who will Never give up on him. That's me. He has a mission coming up. In six months, to be exact. Which is so exciting. However, when that happens you can't really continue All that you have going on with that other person.

Recently we've talked. As you can read from before, we'll be waiting a while until we continue anything more on our being together. Which, yes, has made me quite sad. I've been having a little bit of a hard time, I'm not going to sugar coat it, but don't worry about me. It's for the better and it's the right thing to do. That's what I'm told.

I'm going to miss him so much, and um.. yes, I will cry so much the ocean will probably double in size when he leaves. I'm excited for him, though. What a great thing he gets to do. Serve the Lord and be a messenger for him for two years. Giving those two years, so others can be together forever. I'm so proud of him. I really am. I can't describe all the emotions inside of me, but I can say that he is going to make an Amazing missionary. He doubts himself quite a bit, sometimes, but I know Whole heartedly that he is going to touch hearts, teach souls, and represent the Lord with pride.

Best of wishes. Make us proud. Write every week.

Third times a charm?

My heart hurts.

Again.

2.5 years.

That, my friend, is how long pause will be on.

I need to stop wanting to cry.

I thought I got that over with already.

Suck it up Jerrica.

Get on with life.

Go, live.

4:30AM

Guess who gets to go to sleep in an hour and a half.

Me.

Guess who gets to get up in nine and a half hours to have a "nice talk" with McKay J.

Me.

Guess who's nervous and scared out of her noggin for that conversation.

Me.

Cry baby.

Yes, cry baby. I feel like that is what I am.

Today I've had the chance to think a lot. Two hours to be exact.

Within those two hours I read, and prayed.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

I sure hope so.

You know when you Really need an answer to something, but don't get it?

Maybe I'm getting the answer I need...

...But I'm not accepting it.

Who knows.

Life is hard sometimes.

Right when you think, "Hey, this could really work out."

Eh.. Think again!

It falls apart, right into thin air.

Sometimes, when you love someone, You can't be with them.

I don't like that.

Oh the tears never cease.

It makes me sad to not be with the person I love.

Maybe someday, we'll have a future.

Right now it's looking like the pause button will be in use soon.

Stupid Pause button.

I don't like you one bit, not at All!

I'd rather use the fast forward, then I could skip right to you and me.

I like you and me together.

We make a great team.

I guess for now, I will work on becoming better.

Yeah, that's what I'll do.

I need to be better for you.

Whoever you are.

Actually, I do know who you are..

And just so you know.

I miss you and love you, even though you're right here.

Even though you don't read my blog, I still write about you sometimes.

I hope you have wonderful days and don't miss me at all.

I hope you are getting the best out of life.

Okay, so maybe part of me hopes that you miss me.

Just don't let me get in the way of things.

I'm not perfect, and sometimes I do get in the way.

I apologize for everything I've done.

Any pain that I've brought you.

Or if I've ever inconvenienced you, ever at all.

I'll end this rant now.

"Sometimes the Savior calms the storm. Sometimes he let's the storm rage and calms you."

-Carol B. Thomas.

Father,

Be with me. Calm my soul. As always, thy will be done.

Amen.

Owee mama

I think I broke my nose.

Or perhaps cracked it.

It hurts.

I don't recommend it.

Adventure? I accept!

McKay J. Jones and I went on an adventure. At about Eight last night McKay came to my house. I gave him a late Christmas gift, then we played Bang, and Just Dance 2. It was really funny.. We went upstairs and talked for a little bit.

Out of the blue McKay says, "Oh! Oh! Hey! Do you want to go do doughnuts? I have my uncles truck! And it's stick shift!" (Maybe not those words Exactly.. but pretty darn close.) In ten minutes we were outside, he opened the door, I hopped in, and we drove off. Now if you remember from a previous blog post.. We got in a car wreck on our way to Moab. We started going off the road, over corrected, spun and hit a mound of dirt. After That experience I am quite hesitant about cars spinning and whatnot. It was SO fun!! I was death gripping my water bottle the whole time, but it was so exciting!

After our doughnut activity. We drove around a bit and tried to decide what to do next. He asked if I was hungry, I wasn't. I asked him the same. McKay mentioned he didn't have too much to eat before he came. He just wanted to get out the door and come here, so he hadn't eaten a lot. Done! We were off to Walmart to find something to fill his stomach. On our way he almost turned left into the exit, then ended up in the wrong lane, and went through another exit.. But who cares! No one saw.. Ha ha!

We took a walk around the store a few times. We checked out all the toys, smelled candles, looked at guns and knives, picked out paint samples, then we eventually got to the food. After some arguing we got Cookies and Cream ice cream.

Next we drove to my house and dished out ice cream for everyone, all two of us. Sierra was home too, but she didn't want any. Mom and dad came home as we were finishing, we talked with them for a while. Then my Lovely mother told me to load the dish washer.. So I did. And they went to bed. McKay watched, and helped a little.

One o'clock rolled around and I walked McKay J. to the door. He got his shoes on, and multiple layers of sweatshirts. Then got distracted and we talked. We had a nice time Bonding, then he left, quite a bit later.

I had Such a great time. :) I miss that boy.

I need answers.

Do you ever fall in love with your best friend, and then realize that at some point it will have to be put on hold for a while or lost forever. Then when it's finally at that point, you cry and don't know whether to hold on or move on?

-Yes.

Do you ever want your best friend back the way he was before all is said and done. When you used to talk daily about stupid things that happen, assignments, a new joke or pick up line you heard, and what you had for breakfast?

-Yes.

Do you ever feel like you'll never be able to talk to him like that again. Like he's holding back, when you're giving it All you've got. All you want is to be friends like before. Let go of everything, and put yourself out there. But you feel like an inconvenience to him?

-Every day.

Are you ever willing to let your heart out again after being broken. Willing to be with the person who broke it, and be their friend. Trust again. Trying daily to strengthen and bring back what you once had?

-No doubt.

Why?